anyone lived in a pretty how town
e.e. cummings

anyone lived in a pretty how town
(with up so floating many bells down)
spring summer autumn winter
he sang his didn't he danced his did.

women and men (both little and small)
cared for anyone not at all
they sowed their isn't they reaped their same
sun moon stars rain

children guessed (but only a few
and down they forgot as up they grew
autumn winter spring summer)
that noone loved him more by more

when by now and tree by leaf
she laughed his joy she cried his grief
bird by snow and stir by still
anyone's any was all to her

someones married their everyones
laughed their cryings and did their dance
(sleep wake hope and then) they
said their nevers they slept their dream

stars rain sun moon
(and only the snow can begin to explain
how children are apt to forget to remember
with up so floating many bells down)

one day anyone died i guess
(and noone stooped to kiss his face)
busy folk buried them side by side
little by little and was by was

all by all and deep by deep
and more by more they dream their sleep
noone and anyone earth by april
wish by spirit and if by yes.

women and men (both dong and ding)
summer autumn winter spring
reaped their sowing and went their came
sun moon stars rain

We are all superheroes.

You can sit beside me when the world comes down,
If it doesn’t matter then just turn around.
You be the queen and I’ll be your clown;
You can sit beside me when the world comes down.

Many people who generally have a good memory claim to have eidetic memory. However, there are distinct differences in the manner in which information is processed. People who have a generally capable memory often use mnemonic devices to retain information while those with eidetic memory remember very specific details, such as where a person was standing, what the person was wearing, etc. They may recall an event with greater detail while those with a normal memory remember daily routines rather than specific details that may have interrupted a routine. It must be noted, however, that this process is generally most evident when those with eidetic memory make an effort to remember such details.

Anyway. This one is for Sandyyy & Aaronnnn.

Aaron: WHERE THE FUCK IS THE NEXT TRAIN? IT IS FIFTEEN MINUTES LATE AND I DON'T SEE ANY SIGN OF IT. WHOEVER IS IN CHARGE OF PUBLIC TRANSPORT SHOULD BE SHOT IN THE GROIN.

Aaron: Fucking hijab tourist bitches who push their way onto the bus. Fuck off back to your own country and be oppressed or something.

Aaron: STUPID FUCKERS WHO DON'T FUCKING KNOW HOW TO MOVE TO THE FUCKING MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING CARRIAGE FUCK YOU I HOPE YOU ALL GET FUCKING SWINE FLU YOU STUPID FUCKERS.

Aaron: FUCKKKK THAT SHIT. FUCKETY FUCKING FUCK FUCK. FUCKING MALAYSIANS. SO MUCH FUCKING SPACE IN THE MIDDLE BUT THE FUCKERS REFUSED TO MOVE THEIR FUCKING ASSES.

Me: *attempting to speak Chinese* Ching chong chang chong. Money money money pork pork pork.
Robin: *holds up peace sign and makes slitty eyes* Pork moneyyyy!

(At event postmortem)
Me: Does anyone have any criticisms regarding Logistics?
Robin: *opens mouth*
Me: DON'T say ANYTHING.

WJ: Hey, Boon Ken! Do you have a girlfriend?
BK: Um. Yes. Why?
WJ: SEE, ROBIN! I told you he wasn't gay!!

Robin: Next time, let's not bother with cancer awareness events at Taylor's. The place is overpopulated anyway. It's okay if they die.

WJ: We should always invite the Turkish ice-cream dudes. One, they raise a lot of money. Two, they pull in the audience. And three, they are serious eye-candy.
Me: They are not hot la.
Robin: FUCK YOU WEI. Azlan nearly made me turn gay. He is SO hot.

Me: I was thinking -
Ms G: Did it hurt?

Geoff: I was thinking of using this journal - do you know Eliott and Culver?
Ms G: Not personally, no.

Robin: Tash, you wear a Halloween costume everyday. Only you call it 'fashion'.

Me: I miss R!
WJ: Saw him last when, two days ago?
Me: I am not like you, WJ. My significant other did not go study in the UK.
Robin: That's funny. I'm pretty sure he did.
Me: Yeah, but I was, like, twelve when he was there.

Me: It's Morphin' time!
Geoff: ...

Me: Eh, Thomas - you're a quarter Indian? You're a macha!
Robin: He's three-quarters Chinese dei. He's a machong.

Robin: Wow, that is a fucking nice Jag.
Me: It's a Malay dude at the wheel. Must be the driver.
Robin: And if it's an Indian?
Me: Then it's stolen.

Florence: I KNEW I WAS GONNA RECEIVE ANOTHER EMAIL FROM YOU. I JUST KNEW IT. REFRAIN WOMAN REFRAIN.

Me: Do you miss me?
R: Kind of? While we were fighting I thought about you a lot more.
Me: What do you mean?
R: Oh, like "die la die la when go back to Malaysia".
Me: How romantic.

(During her lecture on suicide.)

Ms G: How many times have you walked past a homosexual and yelled out derogatory comments like "faggot"? You don't realize that one day, they could hear that, go home, and feel unable to cope with life.
The Boys: *mumble*
Amir: We're sorry, Geoffrey.

Ms G: Indians as a whole commit suicide more often, followed by the Chinese, then the Malays at only six per cent.
Robin: We know which race is too lazy to commit suicide.

Ms G: One day, someone might just get a big knife, sterilize it, and slit their wrists!
Me: Um. Why would they sterilize the knife?

Ms G: What could drive somebody to commit suicide?
Us: Assignments.

Ms G: Overall, men commit suicide more than women. We just threaten to more.

Someone: Why do men commit suicide more often?
Ms G: Maybe because women drive them crazy.

Ms G: *asks question*
No-one: *answers*
Ms G: So many hands, who will I choose.

Me: *holds out Robin's Monash University t-shirt* Do you want Robin's shirt Ms G? It's one hundred per cent cotton.

Ms G: Students who feel upset can visit the college counsellor.
WJ: We have a counsellor?
Robin: Is it real?
WJ: Is it Allan Wu?

Robin: Ms G, I give you my WORD, we have started our assignments.
Ms G: Your word - much like your Sex Instructor t-shirt - is not valid.

Ms G: If you didn't have a close relationship with your parents or God, where would you turn if you had suicidal thoughts?
Nabilah: Google.

Ms G: It has come to my attention that some of you are using my name in vain.
Robin: I think I've heard that line before.

I wear a disguise,
I'm just your average Jane -
The super doesn't stand for model
But that doesn't mean I'm plain.
If all you see is how I look
You'll miss the superchick within;
And I christen you Titanic: underestimate and swim.

Me: So I was talking to Sarvin, and she asked me how old I was. I didn't want to lie, so when she guessed 21, I just nodded. And she was all "oh, I like that age! 19, 20, 21!".
R: Wow. I like that age too. Only in a different way.

In an attempt to make me not miss him while he is in Singapore, R sends me a photo of him every morning. Sadly, they are not dirty. The latest one is of him with a cup of Vietnamese drip tea.

Me: Isn't he CUTE???? *pause* Only... He kinda looks like he makes the tea.
Small Rachel: AT A MAMAK SOMEWHERE. Like, "thambi, thambi, teh tarik satu!"
Us: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Max: So I Googled Deepavali... The story behind it. Like, Krishna overpowers that demon named... What's the demon named?
Robin: Najib.

Me: *going on about how hot Juanita is*
Robin: Is she Mexicano?
Me: No. Chindian.
Robin: The only way a Chindian girl is named 'Juanita' is if it's 'Hua Nee Ta'.

Me: *discussing Robin's Che hat* Dara would look hot in that hat.
Robin: Dara would look hot with shit on her head.

Robin: Julia, what's your father's name?
Julia: John George.
Robin: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Julia: What?
Robin: Your dad has two first names! He would so fit in with the Ibans. Reminds me of this old classmate I had, Andy Steven. Thought there'd be a white kid in class, but he was some ketot.

Me: You know why Julia's surname is 'George', right? That's the name of the guy her ancestor held the umbrella over.

Max: *parks behind some beat-up rusted hideous Proton*
Robin: What if the guy wants to reverse?
Max: I don't think anyone uses that car la. Look at it.
Robin: DON'T SAY. Some of these cars are immortal.
Max: Oh, okay. I'd better park somewhere else.
Me: What la, we only going in for a while. Just park here.
Max: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? My Vios is five months old, and look at that car! He has nothing to lose!
Robin: He'll just reverse and keep reversing.

Us: *at BluInc media, oohing over the free magazines with the JoBros on the cover* *discussing the JoBros*
Magazine Dude: *stands behind us patiently for like five minutes before I notice*
Me: Eh you guys! Take the magazines down la. My God, we are so attention deficit.

Robin: Bro, it's your birthday today, we can take the train. I'm sure you have better things to do today.
Me: Like WHAT? Max's girlfriend is in the UK, remember? He's all alone.
Max: Thanks Tash. That really brightened up my day. You've cheered me up.

Robin: Seriously, what are your plans for today?
Max: Um... Go home and play with my puppies, I guess.
Robin: Dude, that's sad.

Us: *discussing Robin's sinuses and nasal voice*
Me: Maybe you can do something to your septum?
Robin: Sorry, what's a septum? I only know what's a rectum.

Me: Bro, don't worry, you'll go to Heaven. You'll turn up at the Pearly Gates and Jesus will be like "wassup motherfucker!!" and let you in.
Robin: My Lord and Saviour will NOT refer to me as "motherfucker". He will call me "my son", or perhaps "Robin".

Robin: If you're not Catholic, you're Proddy.
Me: Methodist?
Robin: Proddy.
Me: Presbytarian?
Robin: Proddy.
Me: SDA?
Robin: Proddy.
Me: Jehovah's Witnesses?
Julia: THEY'RE A CULT.

(After she's found out that I am only 1/4 Chinese and not 1/2).
Harmini: Bring on the beer and mutton!
Me: Makkal sakthi!
Mini: Hidup HINDRAF!
Me: Vande mataram!
Mini: Rajinikanth valga!
Me: Wow. That's just. Wow.

Me: *facebooking*
Edwin: Tash, your assignment looks very tough.

Edwin: *helps Julia with Photoshop*
Julia: THANK YOU!
Edwin: That will be sixty sen.
Julia: Hahahaha.
Edwin: Sister, I'm not kidding.

Edwin: *complaining about Taylor's shitty version of Photoshop*
Me: A true master would not be hindered by any of those factors.
Edwin: That's the thing. I'm not a master. I'm just a sister.

Edwin: *glares at some guy who is stomping around the Hub with his laptop* This guy thinks he's hacking Bank Negara.

Ms G: When it comes to Ethics, journalists are like a blind man in the dark!
Robin: ...

Me: I wanna go on holiday again for the long weekend!
R: NO. I'm spending Deepavali with my family.
Me: *big smile*
R: My REAL family. Not the lost little puppy I adopted from Kuang.
Me: *sad face*

Ms G: Why are all of you acting like hyperactive guinea pigs?
Robin: Without the 'guinea'.

Ms G: WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT COOL POSTERS, WE ARE TALKING ABOUT MAKING INFORMED DECISIONS.

so I've been having a good coupla months. My Alex came back from Bangkok and we went Redboxing together to celebrate. That boy has a voice on him! Then as we were leaving we bumped into certain collegemates of mine. THAT was plenty blush-worthy.

(I don't know why when people see me with another guy, they automatically assume I have broken up with R. Geez, is our relationship THAT dysfunctional?)

Alex: So what's new since I left?
Me: Your Ms Melissa got married.
Alex: *looks at me with expression of pure horror and dismay* WHAT? No. NO. NO.

Watched Orphan ages ago with Robin, MC, and the Wei's. Decent film. Company was better.

Geoff's BBQ was a decent time-killer, especially as R got to meet the friends. I think they liked him. He wore his Playa Shirt (50% off at Padini's) to the thing.

Me: You can say it Robin. I know you want to say it.
Robin: No man. I can't. He's really nice.
Me: Sigh. I'll do it for you. R, Robin wants to know who put on your socks today.
Robin: HAHAHAHAHA.
R: My hot Punjabi girlfriend.
Me: *pwned*

My birthday, which I spent in Penang, was fantabulous. I wish I could've stayed longer. But anywhere I go with R is wonderful.

Um.

So the other day, right, Amir offered to drive Dara home and I invited myself along. I mean, I live like thirty seconds away from Dara. Then, as Dara (yes, I blame her!) was driving happily away in the pouring rain, we realized we had a flat. So we parked in SS19 to fix it. And fix it Amir did, Dara helping him and my being a good Indian and holding the umbrella. Finally, Amir's hot friend Jake turned up to take us to a train station (as Amir was pretty much done. He has never looked manlier in his life).

And despite my skillz with the umbrella, we are drenched. And of course, I had to wear skinnies and Dara had to wear heels AND a white shirt.

So I get Jake to stop off at Makmur, at Robin's, and Robin acts like, well, Batman. The hero <3 Him and Sean, who I will liken to James Bond. Scotland forever.

They give us towels, clean clothes, and hot Milo. Can you believe it?

Of course, Robin had fun what with my helping Dara take off her wet shirt and her in her towel and all that. Poor thing. Like, "Tash, you can close the door. Please close the door."

And -

Robin: Please don't take off your pants in front of me.
Me: Honestly, I'm more worried about taking off my pants in front of that huge picture of Jesus you have over there.

Sean ALSO found pads because I was on my period. What a guy.

Sean: They're kinda old, so they may have cobwebs on 'em. Sorry.

So I'm in Robin's Monash t-shirt and his sister's jeans, while Dara is in his Korea t-shirt and his sister's shorts.

Me: I'm so going to wear this shirt to JE on Thursday. Ms G will flip her shit.
Sean: "Flip her shit"?

Then Jake drives us to college and we stick to the back ways outta there. Dara steals his flipflops because her heels are killer.

Then on the way home we run into R, who drives us back. Of course, he couldn't be a good boyfriend about it.

R: Why do you two look like homeless people? I don't know you two.

And later, in the car, while I am complaining about how R always scolds me for doing whatever and Amir is always nice to Dara.

R: When Dara ends up raped and murdered - no offense Dara - she will WISH Amir had scolded her more often!
Dara: HAHAHAHA WTF.

Only my boyfriend can say shit like that and not get slapped. I don't know how he does it.

That was a good day.

Okay, maybe she IS loads prettier than I could ever hope to be... But... But... But...

I can quote every season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and I know all the words to RENT and I can talk intelligently about American politics, the technical recession, and Shakespeare.

And I can tie a cherry stem in a knot with my tongue.

WJ: Best banana leaf ever!
Me: Why? What made it good?
WJ: Restaurant owner is Indian.

Me: What do those two black dudes do in Bank Negara?
R: I don't know. Be loud?
Me: One of them is kinda cute.
R: The bald one or the black one?
(They are both bald & black.)

Me: Your parents won't REALLY cut you off if they meet me la. They love you too much.
R: ARE YOU KIDDING? It'll happen so fast you'll hear a twanging noise. I'll FEEL the umbilical cord snapping.

R: Why am I looking at your tits?
Me: I'm wearing a push-up.

R: Pull up your trousers. Why are they so low?
Me: They are hipsters.
R: They're indecent.

R: Button up your cardigan!
Me: It's hot.

R: Look at that girl! She's wearing a punjabi suit! Why can't you dress like that?!

Me: *tries to hold R's hand outside his office*
R: DON'T!!
Me: You never want to hold hands...
R: No. YOU never want to hold hands when I want to hold hands. Like in the car!
Me: While you are driving?
R: SHUT UP!

Me: Let's go watch a movie.
R: I have WORK. Does this mean nothing to you?
Me: R, when you die in fifty years, will you regret not spending more time at the office?
R: Tash, when you die in TEN MINUTES, will you regret asking these stupid questions?

Me: You're SRI LANKAN. NOT INDIAN. So you can't BE a macha.
R: Yes I can! Sri Lankan: Macha in Disguise!

A Girl In My Class Who Does Not Want To Be Named: OH PLEASE. If I had sweaty balls, I would tell her to KISS MY SWEATY BALLS.

Mr Justin: There is a lot of crude language used nowadays. "Mother" is only half a word.

(Ad on Times of India website asking for donations)
Robin: Yeah, give them money so they don't come over here.

WJ: Ew, Robin, your hand sanitizer smells.
Robin: Then don't use la bodoh!!

Us: *use Robin's hand sanitizer for the nth time in ten minutes*
Robin: Guys. It's use once an hour. Not use as you like.

(Discussing Max's really young girlfriend)
Max: When I was eighteen, like, finish exams going to college already... she was twelve.
Me: !!! That's very gross.

Me: *playing with Robin's MP3, earphones, hand sanitizer and house keys*
Robin: Tash, stop touching my stuff. I know it's some complicated shit, but still. *tosses a gum wrapper at me* But here, this is shiny, take it back to Goa and have a field day.

Me: WHO'S A CUTE ECONOMIST? WHO'S A CUTE ECONOMIST? *pokes R* YOU ARE! YES, YOU ARE!
R: See, Tash, this is why you need a kid. You can do all this retarded talking and it'll actually enjoy it.
Me: OOOH. And I can make it wear cardigans and Chewbacca outfits (see fig. 1)!
R: EXACTLY.
Me: Interesting. Hmm. Having children is starting to sound less awful.


Fig. 1

Me: How do you think I'd look with bangs?
Michy: *thoughtful and pertinent response*
Me: Can I DIY?
Michy: Bangs are horrendously tricky, book yourself a salon appointment NAU.
Me: What if I get my dad to cut 'em? Will they still be DIY then?
Michy: I think if you get them done by anyone other than a salon professional, it is considered DIY. It's a bit more complicated than just cutting off the front bit, Tash (see fig.2).

I love Michy.


Fig. 2, courtesy of Michelle

R: What could you POSSIBLY want to do that's more important than having children with me?
Me: I want to work for Marvel.
R: HOW CAN YOU LOOK ME IN THE EYE AND SAY THAT?!

(Trying to help Milly submit her assignment)
Geoff: Huh, where is she?
Me: MyUniSA.
Milly: No, it's MY UniSA.
Us: *facepalm*

Me: Geoffrey. Dei.
Milly: What does 'dei' mean?
Me: Like, 'dude'.
Milly: Does 'night' mean 'girl'?
Us: *facepalm*

(Using Digital Dropbox to send her assignment)
Milly: Is it in?
Geoff: It's in, it's in!
Milly: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Geoff: ?

Me: Geoff. I found this book. The author's name is Wucius. Wucius Wong.
Geoff: No. His name is Lucius. But he's Chinese, he couldn't pronounce it. Like, 'Mommy, wass my name?' 'Oh, son, it's Lucius!' 'Yay my name it r Wucius!'

R: You should wear your gray dress!
Me: It's washing. I wore it on Friday.
R: WHERE? WITH WHO?
Me: ... To the airport?
R: With leggings or jeans?
Me: Yes. With leggings.
R: From now on, you can ONLY wear that dress with me because it's my FAVORITE.
Me: It's so old la. I'm thinking of retiring it.
R: You retire that dress and I'll retire YOU.

The ex:


R:


Marriage:


Comics from Subnormality.

Robin: So, Tash, where can I get some beef?
Me: I dunno, ask those Malay dudes where the rest of the cows are.

R: *telling us about how he was bottom of the class in sixth grade*
Ah Chong: What changed?
Me: What do you mean? He didn't change.
Ah Chong: Well, he did get a Bank Negara scholarship...
Me: It was because of his good looks.

Have a good long weekend, everyone.

Me: What would you do if your daughter's boyfriend was seven years older than her? And she's, like, eighteen?
R: Call your dad.
Me: Er?
R: Like, "Uncle, get the parang. Time to roll out."

Me: But she'll still be able to date him, right?
R: No! We'll train her brothers to be really protective of her. And we'll give her a phone that has GPS so we can secretly track her!
Me: ...

Deepa: *whining*
Me: That IS bad. Maybe you should try to kill yourself tonight.
Deepa: In my note, I'll blame you. Like, "Sana, Tash told me to do it! And bury me backwards so the world can KISS MY ASS."

Me: What's your scapula?
Deepa: Oh, you know, that wingy bit at the back? Like, the part which -
Me: ...Your shoulderblade, Deepa?
Deepa: I hate you.

Deepa&I: *debating Star vs NST*
Deepa: The Star has higher readership though, right? And it's much thicker.
Me: Yeah, but that's because it has all those stories about swimming dogs and children with no arms.

Deepa: What does R work as again?
Me: YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT R DOES?
Deepa: He hangs out with ugly people, I know that much.

I managed to get through to someone from the French Embassy, and some input from various LJ communities; after days and days (okay, two days) of false starts and hoping and some snarky comments!

I feel fantastic, I have a pageful of quotes and they are all relevant and they are from the Counsellor of Cooperation, Science & Culture! This is so great, all the calling and resurrecting my now-useless French and asking questions -

And I had to spend like FIVE MINUTES on the phone with the Concierge - from his voice, you could so tell he was hot but not too bright, and I was doing that thing where I speak way fast, and he kept getting confused and finally I was like "L’affaire du foulard, macha, l’affaire du foulard!!!"

Well, okay, not the 'macha' part. But now I think of it, that would have been hilarious. And then began the French, with the je suis and je voudrais and je m'apelle and so on and so forth.

But I did it. Finally. I also got around to calling Sisters In Islam, and hopefully my questions from that end will be answered. Found some French citizens and hijabis on LJ and sent them questions - I think I can do this! I think I can, I know I can! And just an hour ago, I was contemplating changing my topic after this totally bitchy secretary tried to fob me off with her fax number.

I know this is a measly piece of nothing in terms of investigative journalism, but the rush from managing to pin somebody down is so effusive. I'm rethinking my career options, for sure.

Maybe I'll even ask my editor to move me to a different beat!

But then again, I like free concert tickets and meeting random artistes.

Hmmm.

An ethical dilemma indeed.

Ah well, whatever, the point of this is: I DID IT. YAY ME!

It's a meagre achievement but the rush I feel is so incredible, I think I need to start dealing with actual controversial topics and people who are difficult to get to (always a risk with I Simply Arrest); not just bitchy French people.

And here's the funny thing. I'm so excited about work, I remember I don't really care about R. Okay, that sounds bad. It's not like that. But...

As I was saying to Kenny the other day, I'd honestly be happy with just my job and my own little place and being alone. I like meeting new people but I don't like putting up with stupid ones.

Hmm. This train of thought is becoming odd, and I will suppress it until my article is finished.

(On bumpy train)
R: How is it you are not falling?
Me: I am using my ninja skills.
R: *pokes my forehead a few times*
Me: What are you doing?
R: Testing for stability.

R: I TOTALLY AM A GENIUS. I saw the beauty of that logo Leonard designed.
Me: Excuse you. I told him what I thought would be interesting. Clearly, I am the genius.
R: Ahh, but I saw the link with the theme of the event later!
Me: And THAT, R, is the difference between knowledge *points at him* and wisdom *gestures to myself*.
R: I think you're stupid. Stop taking credit for my genius!
Me: R!! *starts hitting him*
R: *offers me his Ribena*
Me: *drinks*
R: Ohh, so you can HIT ME, but then drink my Ribena.
Me: YOU OFFERED.
R: You should have refused my Ribena!

Robin: Tash, why are there so many blowjob comments on your blog? This girl came up to me and asked me whether you were okay, she was so worried that R was using you as a human vacuum cleaner.

Dear All,

R is a guy. He likes tasteless jokes. They are JOKES. I am not being misused in any way.

R: You've become very pretty lately. With the lenses and the hair down.
Me: OOH. Am I pretty enough to go for Huzni now??
R: NO. HEY. I loved you when you were ugly!

Me: I got no money anymore..
R: Why?
Me: Mummy took.
R: Ohh. For your part of the school fees.
Me: Yes. So unfair. Who paid YOUR school fees? Your parents did, right?
R: No. Your parents did!

Akash: *walks in wearing really bright pants and sneakers*
Me: I like the pants, but the shoes don't go. You need to wear CHAPPALS.
Akash: RESPECT FOR KNOWING THAT WORD.

Akash: *sitting at the mamak with like, twelve girls*
Me: Akash. GET MALE FRIENDS.

Me: *whining about CANCEL*
R: So who is in charge of the project?
Me: Me.
R: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHA.

R: Nigella is perfect.
Me: I think she's fat.
R: NO. She's just right. AND she cooks. IN HER BATHROBE.
Me: Um...
R: I wonder what she wears under that bathrobe.

Me: And I KNOW the lecturer doesn't like me.
R: *bored shitless* I like you!
Me: Awwww.
R: Can we make out now?

R: The other day I was at OU, looking for my car and, like, there was this huge bolt of lightning. Everyone ducked.
Me: Was this in the basement?
R: No...
Me: It'd have been funny if they were in the basement and they ducked.
R: For a girl who is not very smart, you sure are condescending.

R: *scolding me* Look, I didn't go to the LSE because I was smart.
Me: *nods expectantly*
R: ...
Me: Then?
R: What? *pause* WAIT. I THINK I MISSPOKE. I meant, "I didn't go to the LSE because of my good looks".
Me: ...

R: (SMS's me) Why are you not harassing me to go home? Are you okay?

An old friend of mine from ISB.

Now this happened at the US Embassy in Malaysia (which makes it even funnier, I suppose).

It goes like this: I was standing next to a map of America at the Embassy when a short corpulent local man well into his 60s (or early 70s) approaches me. The following conversation ensues:

Him: Where are you from?
Me: The United States.
Him: Mali?
Me: The United States.
Him: Ethiopia?
Me: The United States of America.
Him: Where in the US are you from?
(I point to the map and show him Fairfax, Virginia)
Him: Fairfax? And how many miles is that from DC?
Me: It is fairly close, within 20 miles.
Him: If I was to take a flight from New York to LA how long would that take me?
Me: Hmm, around five to six hours, I presume.
Him: How wide is America in miles?
Me: Around 3000 miles.

At this point he looks a bit disgruntled and asks me;

Him: So are you enjoying KL?

At this point I turn to Time magazine, ignore him for like 30 seconds before responding. I had to overcome the urge to continue the conversation like this:

Me: Where are you from?
Him: Malaysia.
Me: Oh! Laos?
Him: No, Malaysia.
Me: Oh, Indonesia!
Him: No, Malaysia.
Me: Ah, yes, you look Vietnamese to me, I am sure you are from Vietnam.

Or alternatively:

Me: Have you ever heard of Barack Obama?
Him: Yes, he is the President of the United States.
Me: What color is he?
Him: Black.
Me: So you realize that black Americans do exist right?

I miss Omar. HAHAHAHA. We were both on the Student Council and were so lame, we'd call each other 'Senator' and shit like that. He was like a year or two younger than me, last I heard he was in some fancy American Ivy League.

In other news, R has photos of us at the arcade and a Thai restaurant in his phone. I keep asking him to email them to me but he's "too lazy to upload".

I sent him an email with the subject line "Free money!" and I think this is the only email from me he has opened. Ever.

Not that it worked.

(On phone)
R: Tash begged me to take her for the movie!
Julia: Tash, R says you begged him to take you for the movie.
Me: HE'S LYING!
Julia: R, she says you're lying.
Me: I HAVE THE CHATLOG SAVED.
Julia: She has the chatlog saved.
R: Okay, that's enough talking to you! Bye!

Julia: He said he was going shopping with his mummy. His mummy?

Me: Why are you late?
R: It was absolute chaos at home. My mummy woke me up late, and then I couldn't find my socks.

Me: Why are you late?
R: I only slept at 2AM.
Me: Why?!
R: I was mucking around. You la, why you didn't tell me to sleep earlier?
Me: I TOLD YOU TO SLEEP AT MIDNIGHT!
R: Well... Why you never wake me up this morning?

Me: *accidentally pokes R in the eye* I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY!
R: Are we going to get married in two years?
Me: R, I -
R: OWW YOU POKED ME IN THE EYE OWWW!
Me: Okay, okay, we are!
R: And will you pierce your nose?
Me: But I hear it hurts -
R: OWWW MY EYE OWWWW!
Me: Yes, yes I will!
R: And can we have three kids?
Me: ARE YOU CRAZY? FUCK -
R: OWWWWW IT HURTS!
Me: As many kids as you want!!

(Talking about camp)
Peter: Is there anything specific you need?
Me: Uhh... Room service.
Peter: Excuse me?
Me: I know it's camp. I don't care. These things were created for a reason. Room service. Panadol. Condoms.
Peter: Ooh, I like condoms!
Julia: *is on the phone* Bye mom. *hangs up, glares at us*

Me: *says something*
R: Oh, it rhymes!
Me: No. That was alliteration.
R: What's alliteration.
Me: R rocks!
R: Thanks, but what's alliteration?
Me: Lana Lang. Lex Luthor. Peter Parker. R rocks.
R: Ohhhh.
Me: HOW did you get your scholarship?
R: By keeping quiet. When I was ten, Puan Liew gave me some advice - she's dead now by the way - she told me, "it's better to be silent and let people wonder whether you are smart or stupid; than to talk and confirm that you are stupid". I thought it was pretty wise.

Ms G: How many of you are against homosexuality?
Class: *some raise hand*
Ms G: How many of you don't like gays but think lesbians are okay?
All the guys: *raise hands and wave them around*

Ms G: *tells us about her lesbian friends*
Me: Are your lesbian friends hot?

Me: *talking*
R: You know what? You need to adopt a homeless person as a pet. Or a cat!
Me: But a cat can't talk back.
R: AS OPPOSED TO ME?!

R: My dad always says "anticipate the unexpected".
Me: Go marry a Chinese girl and ask your dad if he anticipated THAT.
R: Then he will whip out his will and show me that he's given MY inheritance to Tekno.

R: If you beat me at L4D, I will introduce you to my parents, take you to Lisa's wedding, give you a thousand dollars and we can get married and have kids whenever YOU want.
Me: Wow.
R: Deal?
Me: Ye- WAIT. What if I lose?
R: I am glad you asked me that. If you LOSE, then you will be my slave for all eternity and listen to everything I say. If I tell you that I don't want to marry you but you are to be my pet slut, you will agree. If I say that you will live in the leg-space of my car, you will agree. Do we have a deal?
Me: I think first.

Me: *yammering* Because Leia's kids are the first of the new Jedi.
R: No. I am the first of the new Jedi. Luke travelled forward in time to find me, and took me back and trained me on that planet where Yoda lived.
Me: Dagobah?
R: Yes. Then he died. So I am the last of Jedi.
Me: What about Jacen and Jaina, Han Solo's and Leia's kids?
R: THEY DON'T EXIST. Han Solo died in a tragic accident before he married Leia, so I tapped her instead.
Me: I see. So I should call you 'Master R'?
R: No, STUPID. I'm still here, aren't I? I haven't left to be trained by Luke yet, have I?! Am I in another galaxy far far away?!
Me: I see. Tell me, who will put on your socks and make you Milo in this other galaxy?
R: I AM TAKING MUMMY WITH ME.

Me: *complaning about how at the MPO I was the only girl in a suit*
Mom: I think you looked really nice, since you're so tall and slim. The skinnies and blazer suit you, and the heels were classy. Too bad about your face though.
Me: ...
Mom: You looked like Aishwarya Rai - at least from the neck down.
Me: ...?
Mom: If your face wasn't so ugly, you could run for Miss Malaysia!
Me: OKAY, THANKS MOM.

Me: I love David Krumholtz.
R: ...?! I thought you were going to say "I love YOU"!
Me: Uh. No. I love David more.
R: WHAT?!
Me: I'm sorry! I've known him for longer?
R: Oh yeah? Well, does DAVID KRUMHOLTZ slip new fifties into your handbag when you're broke?!
Me: No, but one morning when I was sick, I watched Life With Mikey on Star Movies, and that was when I first saw him. And then some time later, on The Santa Clause. I never realized they were the same person. Then when I did, my love was complete.
R: Like loving Superman and Clark Kent... And REALIZING THEY ARE THE SAME PERSON.
Me: EXACTLY!
R: I think you owe me some money.

In other happy news, I think I'm over the Chinese girl.

R: *grabs my chocolate milk*
Me: Eh, finish my chocolate milk for me.
R: *drinks some, doesn't finish, gives it back*
Me: Eh, fucker. If I had said "don't finish it", you would have.
R: No. I would have drank as much as I wanted to. Because I am your God.

Me: Eh let's go for dim sum later!
R: ... Tash. Do you think I stay at work til 8 because it's fun?

Me: *gets text message about a facial+manicure+pedicure promotion from my beautician* R, do you want to pamper yourself?
R: ...
Me: Facial, manicure and pedicure for only RM99. We both go!
R: OH. I thought you were offering me a blowjob.
Me: ...

R: In a perfect world, all women would listen to ME. And they wouldn't talk back or argue, they'd just give me head all the time. I'd be like "now!" and they'd be like "chomp chomp chomp".
Me: "Chomp chomp chomp"?
R: Okay. Maybe "suck suck suck".
Me: ...

R: Let's park here.
Me: You'll kena saman!
R: LET THE COPS TRY. I'll be like "fucker, my girlfriend got a P1. I have bigger problems!"

Me: Your brother's girl is kinda fugly.
R: I bet my brother's girl never got a P1.

Me: Dude. As long as I get my degree, NO-ONE CARES what my grades are. No-one will give two shits.
R: I GIVE TWO SHITS. And your EMPLOYER WILL GIVE TWO SHITS. So you'd better give two shits!
Me: ...
R: IN FACT, YOU'D BETTER GIVE FOUR SHITS.

Me: My grades do not affect you.
R: YES THEY DO. I will be marrying you! I need to make sure you don't fail!
Me: Fine la, don't marry me then!
R: YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE. I WILL MARRY YOU IF I WANT TO. WELCOME TO AN INDIAN RELATIONSHIP.

Me: *hits R upside the head*
R: Excuse me? Who do you think you are? Think you're My Sassy Girl issit? *thrusts my books at me* HERE. Hold your stuff YOURSELF. Huh, My Sassy Girl?!

http://prelovedrainbows.blogspot.com/
http://prelovedrainbows.blogspot.com/
http://prelovedrainbows.blogspot.com/
http://prelovedrainbows.blogspot.com/

Go! Great stuff. But the black dress is MINE.